It is important to know and understand the surrounding ideas that make the whole process work best and safely for you.
This is easy enough but there are important pivot points in this process where you need to be careful and aware. This is particularly so for women. The dating websites have many safety features built in that protect you that you can take advantage of. So what are the must do and must not do priorities?
Always make the first contact or response through the dating website that you are using. They usually generate site specific email contact details which allow you to keep private your contact details until you’re ready to reveal them.
Phone calls for women:
Always make your initial phone call from your own phone with your number concealed. Ask for their number but do not give your own phone number until you are ready.
Tea and Coffee Date.
Always select a café that is reasonably busy. That is in a busy or at least not quiet area. This will give you a safety net if things don’t go to plan or you need to safely leave.
Do not park outside the front of the café or in a very obvious position. Park close by so you can quietly leave with different exit choices.
When do you give the other person more details about yourself?
The answer to this is not simple. As a general rule this should be when you feel comfortable to do so. If you acknowledge that you are a poor judge of character you can organize a tea and coffee meeting with a friend that you trust. The after meeting discussion with your friend hopefully will allow you to get a clear idea of your date and if they are to be trusted.
Have you had average relationships? Why do these relationships end? Most often and we blame the other person and in many cases this blame is justified.
Taking a step back however looking at your relationship history do you repeat the same type of relationship with similar personalities and the same results?
The rush of adrenaline, grasping at forbidden fruit, the excitement of a secret hidden moment. The actual events themselves can become more important than the people involved.
For the individuals caught in the passionate sticky web it is often difficult to see anything other than the blinding erotic passion and excitement. This can be part of the situation, but most often its because the individuals don’t know anything other than their past relationships and how in the future things can be different.
Regarding personality types
We all know that certain people rub us the wrong way. Often this is not deliberate or mean. Its to do with personality types and they clash or work with your personality. Some understanding in this area can greatly assist in the dating process.
Many profiling tools exist, this four personality type model is well proven and easy to understand. Most of us have a dominant personality but this will change depending on the circumstance we are in. A dating situation can be stressful this can alter people’s behavior as they are out of their comfort zone.
The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking
The choleric temperament is generally ambitious and leader-like. They have a lot of aggression, energy, and /or passion, and try to instil it in others
The melancholic temperament is generally introverted and thoughtful. Melancholic people often were perceived as very (or overly) pondering and considerate
The phlegmatic temperament is generally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish.
To build focused new habits can move you rapidly toward your target. Procrastination and fear is a very real factor for many people. Identifying potential problems or sticking points in the process is important so they may be overcome.
These could include
A fear of meeting new people
A fear of phone calls to new people
Writing emails to new people
Fear of rejection.
The great athletes know what their weaknesses are and work at them until they become strengths. Know who you are, what you are good at. Acknowledge what you are not good at and get better at it. When first starting in sales I was scared of the phone and speaking to strangers. How I overcame this was to prepare a simple script and then say something into the phone. Some people were polite some hung up. A couple were rude, and some said yes. They said yes even though I mumbled and struggled through the call.
I Chapter six I provide role plays to assist with these fears. I am happy to discuss them here also.
Communication is not a matter of being right, but a matter of starting a flow of energy between two people that can result in mutual understanding. John Sanford.
“I feel really daunted by the idea of writing and creating a profile.”
The book walks you through the process and considerations. Writing a profile is a tremendous opportunity for you, in a number of ways. Obviously, it is a kind of advertisement, a way to put yourself forward in a favorable way to prospective partners. However it is also an opportunity to become clear about yourself, your values, what it is you feel you have to offer another person, and what kind of person you yourself are searching for.
While successfully dodging the risks and meeting challenges, I personally found internet dating great. Like many other people I know who used internet dating, in spite of occasional disappointments, along the way I made a number of great new friendships, some of which continue to this day. I did also find the love of my life, and have assisted others to do the same. Through the dating process you will discover that you are not alone and that there are many thousands of people just like you many of whom live in your city, town or the next town.
For example: one old friend did poke considerable fun at me for looking for a partner via the internet. One night shortly after this, her drink was spiked at a club, and she ended up in the ladies room, vomiting and passing out. She was unable to determine how long this went on for but estimates between 45 minutes to 3 hours. Her attempts to phone and text friends for help did not bring her any assistance. Eventually she managed to get a taxi home, and her youngest son (14 at the time) spent the night looking after his violently ill mother. She was fortunate and suffered no long term ill-effects, though the horrified family doctor later told her she should in fact have spent the night in hospital, under observation.
“I feel sick when I look at dating websites. To me, it looks like a meat-market.” The great thing about using a well-designed dating website is this: you get to read what people have to say about themselves well before meeting them, via their profile, initial email exchanges and on the phone (if you choose).
If you are someone who values what is on the inside of people as much as their appearance, this offers obvious advantages. No doubt, there are some people who do use dating websites like a ‘meat market’, and some dating websites are actually designed to facilitate this approach.
However there are plenty of well-designed reputable websites that enable and encourage a more in-depth approach to finding people to meet. In my experience, this is more aligned to how most people prefer to approach looking for a partner. You will need to decide what kind of approach will suit you so that that you can determine if the design and approach of a website matches your needs.
Sam was a well-paid programming consultant. He went through the normal dating website process. Send an expression of interest, get a response. Then send an email. The twist was that the lady in question was not in Australia but was returning to Australia to Sam’s major city home in a few months after completing a work contract. So the email exchange began. This was at least one email a day both ways for three months. Sam believed that the relationship was progressing well. When the time came for her to return to Australia Sam offered to give a lift from the Airport and the use of his spare room while she organised a place to live.
What was strange was once they hugged had a peck on the cheek at the airport. That was the end of any communication She just wasn’t interested. She stuck to her room, went to work and regularly went out on dates. When Sam asked how a date went she became accusatory and said to stop stalking her and to mind his own business.
So what was going on here? Apart from the bad manners it is likely that Rachel through the email writing process developed her own reality regarding the email relationship. When she finally got to meet Sam and he was different from her created expectation she thought ah well, somewhere to stay and at least I know he is decent.
To avoid the likelihood of this happening keep your emails brief, to the point and ideally no more than three exchanges. The purpose of emails are to move you safely to a phone conversation, then to a possible face to face meeting
This book and this website were written and put together at the suggestion of people I assisted to develop their own successful process for finding a partner.
An important part of this was breaking subconscious past relationship patterns and learning how to look and truly see and understand attributes that you like, and those you don’t.
This always was more than just reading and learning. The doing and learning was the most critical part of the relationship journey.